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[Dec 11 2008 / 5:52pm]
You might remember (likely not), the old birthday tradition of bravely charging resolutions to the new year, taking all of the pressure off January and plopping it right onto October. You might remember (likely not), that the year before was We’ll See, and the most recent was Shut Up and Go; each so highly prophetic and eerily realized as to warrant more than a light amount of pressure over what to do with the coming twelve months.

After much consideration, or not all that much but enough, I hereby declare this: the year of All In.

don't bother adding this livejournal,
i don't post here anymore

check out

someone should either [Dec 10 2008 / 12:17am]
buy me some canvas
fix my sewing machine

i need something to do with my hands other than give the finger.


a list of things to do [Dec 08 2008 / 9:51pm]
1. get a job
2. keep that job
3. lose at least 9 more lbs.
4. get drunk by myself.
5. finish any of the books i've started.
6. clean out my fucking car.
7. start working on thigh peice.
8. draw something worth showing off.
9. force logan to marry me.

if i don't have at least 8/9 done by the new year,
somebody shoot me.


[Dec 06 2008 / 7:54pm]
nothing has ever hurt so badly in my entire life.

fuck you, i'm double posting [Oct 24 2008 / 1:44am]
god damn

i need to get drunk
and stay that way until next year.

[Oct 15 2008 / 2:36am]
i don't think anyone is ever going to really get me.

that sucks.

edit: i think big foot might.
4 ??????

[Sep 26 2008 / 2:21pm]
something just bit me


[Sep 11 2008 / 1:04pm]
i forgot how time consuming coloring is.
then i looked up and it was 4am.

more than anything in the whole world,
i could really use a pat on the back.

an awful week [Jul 12 2008 / 2:07am]
when your car won't stop breaking down and the little money you have quickly escapes your fingers, what else is there to do but watch one of the worst movies you've ever seen and then get drunk by yourself?

here's to rosehaven: white zinfandel signature

my last six dollars well spent.

if anyone has an ipod/iphone charger i can borrow, please let me know asap.

[Jul 07 2008 / 8:29pm]
she had sent me some videos of sigur ròs, promising it would make me cry. i hadn’t thought it would, and it didn’t, until that one shot of the overarching sea. dearly wanting Iceland flared the old fire of dearly wanting anywhere, and as we talked, out came the truth like we were fessing up to secrets: a shared relentless restlessness to take on the world. “every time i travel is the best time of my life,” she said. “every time i travel defines the rest of my life,” i said.
“let’s go, then.” she ran down the list: no rings on our fingers, no zealous career paths, no kids, no rent, nothing in the way of an excuse. a summer, maybe, a handful of weeks, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, new york? michigan? montana? vermont? odd jobs, bicycles, I can waitress, she can bartend, or bullfight, or drive some old lady to church every Sunday in her dusty old Chevelle. jeans, tees, and toothbrush in a suitcase, a wrinkled old map with a few red circles.
“will we really do it?” she asked. “otherwise we’ll regret it forever,” i answered, and couldn’t help but dream all night of odd jobs and bicycles, fights and fevers and those roads that cut the country under a million acres of stars.
2 ??????

posting again because i can [Jul 06 2008 / 3:30pm]
i really do use lj too much
i use it more now than i did 5 years ago
i guess that should tell me something

i feel like a sea captain too long from the shore,
a summer kid too long in the sun.
there’s a diplomatic conspiracy against standing upright,
and it makes me laugh, knocking into door frames,
caught up in the game.
don't let me float away.
i don't want to float away.
that's why i keep myself tied between fingers
to the one i love the most.

i can’t write a thing when I read, not like this, two and three books a week, the same books i've read over and over; the same passages, the writing of others clogging my brain, always more, more, more. it’s useless to even try, the whole world has already been written. i’ll have to stop soon or else i’ll drown.

the wind tickles the pages and my shoulder and virginia woolf. to the lighthouse, I won’t drown tonight.

[Jun 25 2008 / 3:43pm]
my car is broken


someone please be my friend and by that i mean, give me rides everywhere

[Jun 19 2008 / 5:50pm]
dear jim,

get small again.

2 ??????

[Jun 17 2008 / 3:08am]
“And beyond all that, outside, unseen, the beach in the darkness, the sand cool on top but keeping the day’s warmth underneath, and the long lines of white waves breaking on the bias, lit from inside themselves somehow, and over everything the night, silent, secret and intent.” —John Banville

i need refreshment

i need calm

i need the sea
2 ??????

[Jun 05 2008 / 2:27pm]
i'm tired of eating/reading/entertaining a puppy alone.

can someone who likes puppies please come keep me company?
he's a handful, but it's worth it.

i need WAAAAAYYY more patience.
and it's the only thing i need that i can't buy on ebay.
4 ??????

[Jun 04 2008 / 3:13pm]
i met this boy.
and I invite him to come to to my room.
this is when my fort is still in tact.
i get all ready for our date.
i throw an ample light on me,
to make me look really effective.
two little backlights to give me the
illusion of three dimensions,
a baby spotlight to pick out the blue in my eyes,
and i put on my mood music records.
enough makeup to look natural.
i think he invited me to dinner instead,
but i didn't want to lug the lights and everything.
my place it is.
but my radiator breaks and the room is absolutely freezing,
and i'm ashamed,
because he is going to come into a cold room,
so i go into the bathroom and i turn on the hot water in the bath,
which is an old brooklyn trick to heat the house,
and hot water comes down and billows of steam come into the fort.
and icecold air is seeping in under the windowsill
and the two fronts meet in my bedroom,
and it starts to rain right there over my bed.
i'm sitting there in the rain.
we had to sleep in the fort
and i did not do well with the boy.
3 ??????

[May 27 2008 / 3:47pm]
i have become both a flincher and a fighter.


[May 16 2008 / 8:52pm]
i need to go to hell already.

today i bought a flannel shirt and a tiny denim backpack.

i couldn't be more eddie veddar.
vedder? vedar? viddr?

i couldn't be more nineties.

i'm going to go razor scooter around town and put holes in my jeans.

[Apr 23 2008 / 11:07pm]

all of a sudden i have a fascination with the future.
2 ??????

[Apr 19 2008 / 4:42pm]
"they say you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. i say, true, and also, you don’t know what you want til you’ve got it."

i'm almost positive i've never had something hit so close to home.

[Apr 13 2008 / 11:48pm]
i've really been enjoying myself lately.

also, i'm getting fat.

i should start working out or something.

...as i scarf down a one-pounder of santitas tortilla chips.

who wants to be work-out buddies?
3 ??????

to be in love. [Apr 11 2008 / 2:26am]
the air has been so heavy these past few days.
i blame the sun.
quit pushing me down.

maybe this weight was a gift.
like i had to see what i can life.

ps. someone teach me to bind books.
2 ??????

i think [Apr 06 2008 / 6:03pm]
that love is the most uncomplicated thing in the world.
1 ??????

[Mar 27 2008 / 8:30pm]
today i got:

over-the-knee dark silver boots.
snakeskin mid-calf boots.
brown leather lace-up ankle boots.
probably a job.

things are going well.

my method is uncertain
it's a mess but it's working
4 ??????

[Mar 24 2008 / 12:21am]
easter was nice.
yummy traditional thai dinner
plus lots of candy.

saturday night was completely awesome.

i can't stop discovering new loves.

i'm going to start painting again.
drawing again.
sewing again.
knitting again.
reading again.
writing again.
working again.

i feel so ready to do finally something with this amazing life i have.

i need to buy a new blazer.
and a new pair of boots.
preferably over-the-knee.
then i will be complete.

i wouldn't mind, but you are my only hope
5 ??????

[Mar 19 2008 / 2:51am]
i'm working thinking myself to the bone
2 ??????

[Mar 18 2008 / 1:59am]
things i have:
a boyfriend
a puppy
soon-to-be blue hair
shortbread cookies
the best friends a boy could ask for

things i don't have:
a job
enrollment in school
over-the-knee boots

i don't really know what i think
of my stance in life right now.
...but i'm almost positive i'm pretty happy.
8 ??????

[Mar 07 2008 / 6:21pm]
well livejournal,

despite being a complete deadbeat,

i'm really really happy.

i love my friends.
this group is really working out.
i'm closer to these people than i've ever gotten to others and it's really nice to be able to let go and just trust who i'm with for once.

i also have a boyfriend now.

it's been a while. i can honestly say i'm really happy about it. he's amazing and even though he hates me sometimes, he's really sweet.

i still don't have a job.
i'm no longer enrolled in school....again.

at this point, i just don't care.

i'm happy for the first time in so long.

[Mar 03 2008 / 1:44am]
i think i'm addicted to oxycodone.
6 ??????

[Feb 21 2008 / 11:53pm]
i need to get married.
preferably to someone who isn't around much.
business trips,
i don't care why he isn't around
i just care that he is.
that way, i can decorate a house
and craft more
and make dinner every night
and buy southern living magazine.
i would like to do all of these.
i would also like someone to sleep next to.
but we don't have to have sex.
we can if it's required,
but i'm hoping the mistresses will wear him out.

on another note
maybe nick will move in with me.
we can be the best brother and sister ever.
he's going to kill me.
if i don't kill him first.
4 ??????

i'm in a world of shit [Feb 19 2008 / 1:47pm]
and i'm terrified.
7 ??????

[Feb 18 2008 / 11:36pm]
i need to stop listening to such sexy music when i'm alone.
i need to stop listening to such sexy music...in general.
I wish I could write an upbeat chord song about killing myself.
i'd record it and only listen to that one song.
or maybe i'd make someone else sing it.
i think that would cause a good bit of confusion since
i already live my life as an out-of-body experience.
all skirts should have built-in shorts.
i would no longer have a need to buy shorts.
this would save time and money and make my life,
overall, run more efficiently.
i need to buy a lot of paint.
i need to pick up my photos at ritz tomorrow.
i need to quit locking myself in my room so much.
i've become so self-destructive.
well...not really become so much as am
i should brush up on my german.
or maybe my french.
both, we'll say.
neither, we'll do.
i've been showering daily.
minus today.
because i didn't leave the house.
i think the showering is in an effort to find
true love or something like that.
let's say so.
i need to start taking my rat places.
i think he's lonely with only me.
he deserves to party with the best of them.
he's a party animal.
or an animal in the least.
i plan on making him a harness soon so that we can go on walks.
i doubt rats help with picking up chicks...
but if any rat can do it, it's him.

someone please teach me how to bind books.
i need to do something with my hands other than give the bird.

i'm thinking i should disable commenting.
i would if i didn't want comments so badly.
but...i want comments like, "what's your address so i can send you flowers without trying to fuck you?" or maybe "even though i've never seen you, you're really pretty."
11 ??????

[Feb 07 2008 / 12:37pm]
some time in the near future,
i think i'd like to marry into a family business.
this will be my way out.

i would hope that this family business is lucrative,
in which case i would spend my time traveling
while my husband or wife balances books and
tends to consumer needs.

i am somewhat addicted to sleeping pills.
more so, i am addicted to the idea of being able
to force my body into certain states as i please.
this power is one of my few comforts as of late.

getting the know the exact effects and their
not-so-welcomed sideeffects has become my hobby.
this knowledge must someday come in handy.
i am almost sure of it.

i think i may be content in this moment
for the first time in...

[Jan 28 2008 / 6:30am]
i'm sliding away.
i've become a shell.
i do things without meaning or feeling.

it's really starting to scare me.
or at least give me the idea that it should.

i need a vacation.
i need to reinvent myself.
i need a change of season.
2 ??????

[Jan 24 2008 / 1:53pm]
holy shit, i'm a scum bag
3 ??????

come back, come back, my little piece of mind [Jan 23 2008 / 8:13pm]
my heart has been stuck in my throat for what seems like years now.
i can't seem to swallow it.
sometimes it slides down temporarily if i intoxicate it.

for the first time in my life, i crave the ocean.
i need the smell of salt water.
i long for the frustration of sand caught in the lining of my bathing suit.
i ache for the sweet flesh of fresh fish.

in other news, i'm in love.
there are many different kinds of love;
i don't care what anyone says, this is one.
9 ??????

i've turned into a melodramatic whore [Jan 21 2008 / 3:13am]
i need to get my shit together
end of story

everything is flying at me lately
[i lied when i said i was ending the story]
it's impossible these days
for me to put an end to anything

i think i'm going to take up a new hobby
like hard drugs

who's got the crack?
great, now that song's in my head

i'm a fucking loose cannon
i'm moving
i'm not packing
i'm back in school
[a week late and i don't have books]
i'm falling apart
i'm coming together

all i know is
i have pink hair now
for the first time in 2 years
it's muted pink
as opposed to the flourescense
that was highschool
that's a really bad metaphor

i got my jack white holga
it's the love of my life
2 ??????

[Dec 25 2007 / 3:43pm]
christmas has actually been good so far....


this year has really sucked and i need to figure out a better
new year's resolution than "find a boy who isn't a prick"
because lord knows that one isn't happening.

maybe i'll learn a new language.
10 ??????

[Nov 10 2007 / 4:41am]
im drunk,
i don'r knoq who put that commma there


i hate my life

[Nov 06 2007 / 7:24pm]
long time no see, dummy faggot.

i have a job interview tomorrow.
i like how band of horses is on a
microsoft commercial.
i got kicked out of school.
fuck everyone.

i need a beautiful boy.

this post was entirely pointless,
but i figured you needed to hear
from me soon or you'd
start to think i was dead.
4 ??????

[Jul 19 2007 / 10:31am]
i just read the script of 3 episodes of 12 oz mouse.

either i'm the shit,
or i truly truly am not the shit.

either way, i don't care.
that shit's funny.

it's obviously written drunk.
....and drawn drunk....
i'm drunk
1 ??????

[Jul 07 2007 / 6:35am]
i'm at emma's.
it's 6:30something.
more like suck my dick thirty.
i said it.

i'm still kind of drunk.
and i took oxy-something or other.
and emma ate a pot brownie.
and we are eating chocolate chex.

just thought you'd like to hear from me, livejournal.
you probably didn't.
i love jack white.

back to wallowing around in emma's bed

bears&titties [Jul 03 2007 / 2:59am]
i'm excited
the fourth of july is in 2 days
technically one
jason is playing for the fun fourth
that's a big deal
he's excited
i am too
i don't want to wake up before noon

a boy might come to see me
but things never seem to work out right

i get to see jackwhite in a matter of days
i'm more excited than i should be
i need to find a wedding dress

my brother came home tonight
he's asleep
things are still weird
but i was actually glad to see him
he seems to be doing well
i'm happy for him and his life in boston
i hope i turn out as well as he did
it took me a long time to admit that to myself

this has been a day full of big news
worthy of livejournal
after 4 years, i still love you, eljay
even though i delete every account i get and i never update

dax out

[Jun 23 2007 / 5:30pm]
i had a really bad day yesturday.

so i just ordered a bunch of new clothes i can't afford.


[Jun 21 2007 / 1:11pm]

it's 2007.

i haven't posted since 2004.
i ruleeeeee

but seriously guys, i'm going to start using this.

ps. i met a cute boy and i'm excited.

[Dec 23 2004 / 9:33pm]

i have a livejournal again.

ein_tot_mann has been dead for a year or two now. i miss it. but. it was destined to die young what with the name of "one dead man".
god i was lame when i was 14.

i doubt i'll ever use this.

we'll see.

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